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August 11, 2004
Tolerating Today
I'm feeling put upon. Perhaps it's my own arrogance creeping back or maybe it's my tolerance levels for bad behavior dropping dramatically. This is something that I obviously need to be on my guard about. I'm suffering from a too risky financial situation, and I need to maintain my threads of success lest I clip them too soon and find myself falling into utter despair.
When my tolerance levels drop, I tend to become more agitated with people more often, because the window of behavior I will accept from them closes. I had an incident recently where a very close friend of mine, a key person in my emotional support system, came to the conclusion that I was acting on strange behaviors, and that I should check myself, talk to my psychiatrist about changing my medications. I was aware that some of my ADHD behaviors were on the rise, but well within acceptable levels, because my doctor and I decided that the side effects from Adderall greatly outweighed the benefits.
But I became defensive toward this person, and my voice rose on the telephone, decreasing his level of absorption of what I was trying to say. The discomfort lasted nearly six days, and erupted into a telephone call in which I was angry and resentful of things that were said. We made up, but the damage had been done.
Ultimately, the relationship had to change, his reasons that are his, and mine, which involve a breaking of a trust. I could never turn to him in a crisis, because I could no longer trust that he would not question my belief or my sanity.
It's hard for me to get people who understand me. When I met my very good friend, Will, I gave him a book to read on ADHD so he would understand me better. Most of his current understanding of me, however, came as a result of caring enough for me to learn to tolerate my more objectionable behaviors. Even now, sometimes, he has to just walk away from me, because I am too overwhelming.
This is why that I had felt this to be a particular betrayal. Because of my disorder, I have to know that someone will understand me and tolerate me before I allow them to get close to me. I learn to rely on those people for emotional support. Anyone that chooses to take himself out of that support forces me to lean on the few others that are there.
But sometimes I forget that I have to tolerate other people's fault as well. These are the times I begin to feel victimized, and refuse to see my own part in any rift. It's times like these I have to simply pray.
When I stop being intolerant of others, and myself, I can stop feeling victimized and become ready to better myself.
Posted by Bastique at August 11, 2004 11:21 AM
Comments
Cary
You articulate your feelings so well 'on paper.' That is, I guess, why you are a writer - and such a good one. It is one of your great gifts. Your self-awareness is very acute. I want you to know that I read your blog every day, so don't think that any of this is falling on blind eyes and deaf ears, and you should know how much I appreciate your giving us this window into your soul. For it is a window that very few people would allow to be opened in their own lives. And certainly not as wide as you have chosen to open it.
Since I know you, I can hear your voice as I read your posts. I can hear the inflections, the pauses, the hurt, the anger, and the desperation. It's so much more than just words. I have only one other observation: you are very hard on yourself. Speaking metaphorically, it hurts me to see you tying yourself to the whipping post and paying the meanest brute available to inflict such severe punishment.
There are few things more challenging and difficult than financial problems. I think you have done remarkably well since Michael has been away. Give yourself more credit. I'm always here if you want a friend to talk to.
David
Posted by: Trooper at October 1, 2005 09:38 PM
Cary - I hope your spirits are better now. I just wanted to let you know I have a son with the same problems you have. When he was just a little tyke, he could sit with a book for hours and not know what went on around him. He was a beautiful child and is still a very handsome man. He also had a problem recognizing his own faults. He had a very short fuse and would get upset quickly. He often blamed me and told me he hated me. I would always tell him that I didn't hate him but hated the way he was acting. I also told him that I loved him very much. I still do, even though he is far away. I worry about him and want his life to be happy. Most of the time I think it is. What do you think I could do to make him feel more secure? I do love him very much. A Mom
Posted by: A Mom at October 1, 2005 09:42 PM