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October 17, 2004
Distant friend
Here is a portion of a conversation regarding a party I attended Saturday night:
FtLaudWolf: Last night at *****’s party
my friend: r they any fun without chemicals
FtLaudWolf: Well, I was high last time, and I'd say I had more fun this time.
my friend: see if you'd learn to be somewhat conservative with chemicals and use moderation you would'nd be running to las olas all the time
my friend: r they any fun without chemicals
FtLaudWolf: Well, I was high last time, and I'd say I had more fun this time.
my friend: see if you'd learn to be somewhat conservative with chemicals and use moderation you would'nd be running to las olas all the time
Okay, you are probably wondering why I’m talking to this guy in the first place… I mean Mike and I met him while we were in the throes of our addiction, and he was Party Central then. We always had crystal, he always had k (ketamine); and we always had a good time with him. He always left before the drama began. I'm sure you can guess that chemicals means drugs, primarly crystal meth, aka "Tina". I'll explain what "las olas" means in a second.
I always had a special bond with this fellow and even now, I still feel close to him although I’ve managed to stay away from him physically. I would certainly love to see him on my side of the fence, but given how the effects of his drug use seem to be moderate that is so unlikely. If he’s telling me the truth about things, then he seems to have perfect control. But he’s not currently in Lauderdale. Last time he lived here, he said the partying was too much and he had to move away to get control.
When he mentions “las olas” he means the gay twelve-step clubhouse on Las Olas Boulevard, where they hold a number of the meetings where I go. It’s funny, because I don’t really talk much about my recovery to him, I have a codependent need to maintain my relationship so the topic of the twelve steps is off limits, even though he feels more than free to talk about his partying. I may have mentioned Las Olas to him at one point…if I did, I’m surprised he remembers—or maybe he’s heard about the place from someone else with whom he partied/parties.
But luckily, all I have to do is take a look at my part in the situation to realize that I might be acting just a little crazy.
So why am I talking to this guy? I find it sweet in a sick way that he makes a comment to encourage me to learn how to be “conservative” in my drug use, even after I told him that I had more fun. Yes, codependency forgets that he’s been doing his share of partying this weekend, and is missing a portion of his faculties, instead telling my ego that he likes me enough to want me to join his side of the tracks again. Nobody else out there wants me like that! Of course that could be the chemicals in him speaking.
So in a nutshell, we have a big relationship issue.
I want him to take some time off of the drugs to spend time with me, even if just for dinner. That opportunity hasn’t come up yet, although he says he goes months without partying…at least when he’s up north. Fort Lauderdale apparently is more of a difficulty, but he believes himself up to the challenge, this time. In other words, he’s going to try the same thing and expect different results. I don’t know if that dinner will ever happen.
That leaves the other option, my learning to “moderate” my drug use to spend time with him. If you think that’s reasonable, then take a look at this page, and maybe you’ll understand my side: Who, What, How, and Why. Using is not an option for me, if I want to live. Once I put that first drug in my body, I yield my will and my life to it. This is a fight I’ve fought and don’t ever want to fight again. It took me four years to get back to the rooms the last time I believed I had control over my using, and most of that time spent realizing I didn’t.
I could be where Michael is today…or worse; because if he didn’t have me on the outside getting money together for good attorneys, his sentence may not have been quite as lenient as it was. And I doubt they’d allow us to share cells.
Or I could be dead. My t-cells dropped significantly before I got clean. I went from being virally positive to having AIDS by definition. Thankfully, it was just because of numbers and not by any sort of opportunistic infection, but that could be very different should my timing have been any different.
To my friend, for whom I’ve given my blog address—maybe this will explain things better. You haven’t mentioned to me if you read this, so I feel a little freer talking about it. But even if you do, maybe you’ll hear what I really want to say to you, but can’t. I very much love you, my friend, and hope we can be true friends, once more.
Posted by Bastique at October 17, 2004 11:50 PM