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November 25, 2004
Gratitude List
There's a tee-shirt that I've seen made in South Broward members of my twelve-step fellowship that reads on the back, "Grateful I'm Not Dead." Although may sound on initial thought a rather harsh sentiment; for someone who's had HIV for the past 16 years and spent at least 10 of those years drinking and drugging or otherwise not taking care of myself, it has a remarkably poignant message. 
It also carries with it the idea that there is some other reason I'm still here on this mortal coil while so many others have passed on, why I've been granted further opportunity to breathe, write, eat, laugh, cry, and share another holiday with people that I love—that some Power greater than myself has made it all possible.
I'm grateful for the gifts my Higher Power has given me, the ability to use my language effectively and write stories, essays, anything I need, the ability to create graphic designs, and to program in several different programming languages. I'm grateful for the ability to read and understand HTML, XML, CSS, or any other markup language I set my mind to.
I don't mention my sponsor, F.P., enough on these ramblings, but the shirt is a favorite of him to mention when discussing the issue of gratitude. I'm grateful to have someone who has managed to stay clean (and sober, for those that feel the need to differentiate) for 14 years in my life, who cares about me enough to put up with my lack of telephone calls, my isolation, my moodiness and all those other idiosyncracies that make up this Planet Cary.
I'm grateful for anyone that loves me that much—especially those that are willing to live with me. The Roomie points out often enough that he loves me; not in that "I love you and can't live without you," kind of way but a stronger, more friendly love. He's my best friend, and I'm happy to say that he is mine.
I'm grateful for the ability to love someone enough to put up with a big arrest and lengthy prison sentence. I'm grateful for the strength and courage to manage a house and animals, that sometimes takes every ounce of conviction I have to do it. I'm grateful for Michael W and having spent some good years together, even if the last few before his bust by the Feds were marred with fear, anger, and drug abuse. I'm grateful he survived the drugs and the darkness and is still in my life.
I'm grateful for the best dog in the world, who I miss even if I'm gone from the house a single day, who keeps my legs warm every morning by being curled behind my knees while I sleep on my side.
I'm grateful for my family with whom I'm lucky enough to be spending today, even if it is in the middle of an overwhelmingly Red state. I'm grateful for the next generation and the opportunity to watch them grow and develop intellect and personalities all their own. I'm grateful for each opportunity I have to spend with my aging grandmother.
I'm grateful for my guardian angel, Barry, who let me know in no uncertain terms this past Tuesday that he's watching over me.
Above all, I'm grateful for this day and my ability to communicate to G-d, and for every time G-d rescued me, even when I didn't ask. I'm grateful for each prayer that I think to send, for each one answered.
I'm grateful to be me, the only one I know how to be.
Posted by Bastique at November 25, 2004 10:32 AM