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November 20, 2004
When Too Much is Enough
I have a friend with whom I got together last night, and we talked about how other people in our lives had once been friends and what happened. I had originally intended this post to be about his friend's breakup, and the reasons, but somehow it became more important for me to come to terms with my own ended friendship.
I explained about my friend “the Void,” who only called me when he wanted something and then borrowed Michael’s pressure hose from me and never got around to returning it. I finally started calling him on a regular basis, “When are you going to return the pressure hose?” His answer was always, “Too busy today, I’ll bring it to you this weekend,” or “Things are real crazy, I can’t think about it.”
When I called and offered to pick it up myself, he said his boyfriend was going to be home at a certain time and I could do it then—the boyfriend wasn’t home and neither was he. Finally, while Will and I were out for a drive, we passed the house where they lived, and I decided to look around to see if the machine was there. Nobody was home, the machine was on the back porch, and I had to “steal” it back home. Void called me a couple days later, asking me if I had taken it, when I told him I had, he said only, “I thought it was stolen.” Funny thing, I thought it was too, but I could only respond with, “No, I had it.”
Only later did it become clear why the machine had never been returned. It wouldn’t start. As much as I tried to get it going, the ignition wouldn’t turn. He hadn’t gotten it back to me because he had broken it. Why was I not surprised? This turn came after a long history of not being there for me when I needed a friend, but expecting me to be right around the corner when he was needy.
My last report was that Void was sick, had just gotten out of the hospital with a grim outlook. It’s not the first time, but we share the same primary care physician and he didn’t seem very enthusiastic about Void’s health.
I can’t bring myself to see him. I’m still very angry and very hurt about being taken for granted, over and over again. I wish him well, because I still care for him, but I value myself too highly to bring him back into my life. It was a one-sided friendship, but primarily because I don’t believe Void has any concept of what unconditional love is. Everything came with conditions, and if I wasn’t able to do what he wanted, when he wanted, anything else I had wasn’t good enough for him.
In all seriousness, he hasn’t called me or asked me to see him either. I could very likely change my mind, if I came with boundaries already in place. I did however, mentioned to another friend who was going to see him to tell him that I was thinking about him and praying for him. So maybe he understands.
Sometimes we have to give up the ones we love for our own well-being. I’m a generous and charitable person, but I can be taken only so far. And the Void took me past that point.
Posted by Bastique at November 20, 2004 10:28 AM