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January 28, 2005
Scary Places
At 2:55PM today, I will be getting on an Airbus A321 at Fort Lauderdale Hollywood International Airport, going to Philadelphia to transfer to a US Airways Express plane to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. The temperature presently at Fort Lauderdale is a lovely 72° Farenheit. The expected temperature at Harrisburg is 11°F.
When you live in Florida, you don't really have the kind of clothes one expects to need to wear at 11°F. I'm not even sure why I'm flying to Harrisburg. It fulfills goal number 3 of my 10 goals for 2005. But that's no reason to go somewhere.
I have a friend there, someone who I haven't been able to stop thinking about even after I quit using drugs. I often refer to him as the Devil, only because he's possibly the only one who has a chance of seducing me back to using. But there's a big difference here. His party town is Fort Lauderdale, not Harrisburg. This was the original reason I bought the plane ticket. To see him when he's not in that frame of mind.
Am I placing myself in some sort of dangerous situation while I'm up there? Perhaps. I've spoken this over with those in my support team, and I've taken necessary precautions. I've left myself an "out" in case things do get strange, or uncomfortable. I have a brother who lives only 75 miles from Harrisburg. I've already called him and told him to expect me. I can leave at any time and go see him.
Secondly, if I were to decide to start using again, the drugs I'd want aren't easily found in a town like Harrisburg, if at all, even by my friend. Yes, we've already had this conversation. I, the man who has been off drugs since 2001, still would have no problem finding them again in Fort Lauderdale. But I'm not going to bring the party with me from Fort Lauderdale.
Thirdly, in typical addict fashion, I've given consideration to the possibility of "just this once, while out of town," and played the tape all the way to the end. To the obsessive behavior, the resentments, the guilty feelings and shame, the embarrassment of my return, the week of physical recovery from the weekend, the weeks of mental and spiritual recovery. I'm not willing to go through any of that again.
On March 17, I will have been recovering from drug and alcohol abuse for four years. Why should I have to start over?
Posted by Bastique at January 28, 2005 10:05 AM
Comments
Cary, I don't know you that well, but it sounds like you've been clean long enough to recognize that the addictive behavior is only well suppressed, that it still lurks in the dark recesses of your psyche. You're aware of this and give it the appropriate respect it deserves. Evidently you have some other reason to see this person and perhaps you can impart some of that recovery on him. How wise that you've set up an out for yourself; It is always a tricky thing when you're flying somewhere. Anyway, looking forward to hearing about your adventure.
Posted by: Aaron at January 29, 2005 10:35 AM